Pervirtuity
Screenplay By: Ben Desmond
Synopsis

I built a website at www.0rb.net FREE from a tech school genius (now at http://schmellony.tripod.com as a hacked version) and people found it and it got more and more internet traffic on the original only which is represented in the movie in reverse by a cop screwing things up by slowing down traffic. Next, in the synopsis of backward into my site please, hackers got social and conspired to hack my site this is also represented in a reverse way by the hacker, Bitch, reading quietly then searching for the site. Next, the web host connects to the hacker, again, a reverse. He makes the hacker talk the words (voices) of his newfound schizophrenia given to him by a site host, which is what happened to me, the real host, from hackers who knew a ship that would screw me up. The host makes him read the site as it is, unhacked, which may be what the hackers did before hacking it, if they didn’t have complete hatred in mind for the man behind it (they were --[better be a subtraction on the hack(gay mafioso)] of crazy shit needing to die after deportation from russia to meet me early and maybe die of any of my mafias that i lead and led-- hackers hating me because I was heterosexual). The hacker sees a psychiatrist and he gives him something I was given. Then, Bitch starts getting friendly with host because host is funny out of his mouth, but host doesn’t like him. Next, the website crashes, represented by a car crash and content of the movie gets replaced with something silly, like with the site

Movie takes place in the city with many explosions happening in the background up until one big explosion at the end. Movie features a man, Bitch, in a car driving home. Bitch adjusts his mirrors when he sees a cop
Jim Carrey: Me-roar technology
The cop passes him and begins shifting down the traffic with his siren on to slow him and the rest of them down by going back and forth from the left of the highway to the right and vise versa. So, Bitch removes his seatbelt for the longer journey. The cop is busy, so, he ignores it or allows it. Bitch stops at a taco bell and eats a number 3 all soft with a side order of a soft taco and takes 8 mild sauces and serves himself a Baja Blast Mountain Dew. He eats in silence, folding the tacos so the sauce doesn’t drip out, and he has some difficulty not making a mess, so, he mumbles to himself
Jim Carrey: God, I’m such a loser. I shouldn’t be eating such quality in quantity quietly… Oh, kill me
He gets back in his car and puts in some music, then he drives home, gets out of his car walks up his stairs and looks at the clock 10 minutes after the movie has begun to say something then he reads and time fades by
Jim Carrey: Geez, I’m late. That, or it has all begun earlier than expected
Both Bitch and Host are in their own room with a speaker set, computer, television (off), posters on the wall, and Host has a plush toy on his desk. Bitch puts his hacking manual down and lifts his head, speaks, then types on his computer and clicks with his mouse. Host, sitting at his computer speaks to his speaker system. When both cease talks, Bitch gets up leaves his room goes down the hall and down the stairs to the street
Jim Carrey: There’s no easier way to learn than to get started hacking some sites.  I guess I’ll just search for something random like “SpongeBob.” Hmm… “SpongeBob with the cat.” I’ll hack him
Jack Black: Hi, OK, say funny things
Jim Carrey: Funny things… why?
Jack Black: WHY THE FUCK NOT? Because I am a guppy factory, that's why! Hey, Blow me a kiss! Put some muscle in your mollusk, feed it mussel and work it out, it will be what it eats in a bit
Jim Carrey: Hello, thanks for letting me smell your arm pit! Fuck the what? What kind of creature has invaded my Earth-head here? That wasn’t me speaking
Jack Black: You should really consider telling everyone you meet on the street about my website
Jim Carrey: Oh, this is the web host. I’d rather destroy it
Jack Black: MAY THE RATS EAT YOUR EYES!
Jim Carrey: Honestly, it‘s nothing personal
Jack Black: Oh, well, the name is De Rigueur Pervirtuity and that’s not how I’d say it… hacker bitch. Anyway, the site has common talk in a funny way like… well… how you could be talking
Jim Carrey: no
Jack Black: yes
Jim Carrey: blow anything up recently? Nah; not even your “doll?” Don’t have one; well, did you catch any fish then...? Huh? Did you lay any traps? What the fuck? Have you landed the jet yet? I’m so confused, the fuck what kind of technology is this?
Jack Black: I hope you’re liking it… you aren’t going to give me hard dick error
Jim Carrey: Yikes. I’m going to go talk to someone about this
Jack Black: You’re getting help…
Jim Carrey: Well, I need a professional
Jack Black: Yeah, for the inkblot
Jim Carrey: What?
Jack Black: You see… it’s a bunch of naked women, but there’s a sneaky blotter in the middle with one nude woman on it, but all you saw was bunches of love, then one true love… and that confused the man giving the exam… and me, because he didn’t like you and thought you were a projector or something
Scene takes place on in the middle of the street outside of the apartment. Bitch and Street1 have a simple conversation and Bitch walks to his car, starts the engine, and leaves down the street
Jim Carrey: I have a problem
Steve Buschemi: Give me the overview
Jim Carrey: My sister once groped my mom; I still hate her
Steve Buschemi: Hmm…what’s the matter, can’t share?
Jim Carrey: I rubbed your belly and farted; I wonder how you rubbing my belly helped you release that nasty aroma; it bubbled out in rainbow colors, does that help?
Street2: Yes, it’s funny you should say that... I'm so happy for you
Jim Carrey: Well, I’m not happy. …I’m going to go to a shrink
Steve Buschemi: Poor shrink
Street2: Is it so you can look up some skirts?
Steve Buschemi: Oh like he doesn’t and you wouldn’t?
Street2: Not me
Jim Carrey: Sounds like some sort of hypocrisy to me, which, in turn, sounds like a government controlled by hippos; but I’ve only known hippo bureaucracies and how they voted for those little white balls in my childhood
Bitch is walking. Bitch pulls out his cell phone and dials a friend, then dials the shrink.
Jim Carrey: Hello, Emily …can you give me the number of your shrink? …thank you
Jim Carrey: …I’d like an appointment please …oh, you’ve got an opening today? …I can be there, great
The scene is in the city on a residential street. Bitch stops his vehicle outside of a one story house where the psychiatrist works, walks in, signs in, reads a magazine, then gets called in and begins to speak while looking at a giant pill poster on the doctor’s wall. Shrink hands him a prescription and sends him on his way after Bitch talks with an English accent at random
Jim Carrey: Hi
Expression of Shrink: How are you? Do you have a family history of blonde hair?
Jim Carrey: I wonder if rat poison would make a cat stronger… Well, if you use that logic, what if milk killed wolfs? Is it milk from cows? No, milk from bears; in that case they certainly would die
Expression of Shrink: Whoa, a monotone conversation out your mouth… Have you heard much about schizophrenia? I need to diagnose you for the money
Jim Carrey: This kid’s so high he framed ya? That’s the web host of a site I nearly hacked talking me the conversations on his site
Expression of Shrink: It’s like that… an inappropriate joke, sir...I'm absolutely running out of clients
Jim Carrey: Like how the cosmetics advocate’s lipstick when she walks funny? Hey! Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
Bitch slams his fist on the table
Jim Carrey: BECAUSE HE WAS DEAD! Second monkey was tied to the first one
Expression of Shrink: You should have said, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Do you carry VISA?
Jim Carrey: Chicken butt!  Guess what?
Expression of Shrink: What? You’re paranoid delusional?  I'll take what you can give
Jim Carrey: Delusions are not paranoid with me, nor is paranoia a factor in my family mystery
Expression of Shrink: What would you do if I gave you some treatment for your condition? And took your cash
Jim Carrey: Bloke, I’ll tell the king; it shouldn’t be too hard for the ultimate queen to do so.  Besides, I was treated in my youth, it was my conditioning, and I need no further instruction, I will not take it, in a defiant means, nor in any other possible way
Expression of Shrink: Nonsense. You have a simple case of schizophrenia... A part of a wealth of diseases you might carry
Jim Carrey: Schizophrenia… that’s what PTSD really is sometimes, isn’t it? Where they’re speaking their foreign warrior voices…? And money?  They did tell me you were below average
Expression of Shrink: Anyway, I’ll start you out on Abilify, trade you for your PIN number
Jim Carrey: Butt hole
Expression of Shrink: Did you just call me a butt hole? Don't you take in what I'm saying? I'M HUNGRY
Jim Carrey: No. I should swallow what comes out of your mouth? What if you're throwing a snowball?
Expression of Shrink: Yes, you did, yes, you should, yes I will, I will eat for the first time in a day and a half
Jim Carrey: Don’t you dare put “butt hole” in my mouth... or that other junk... or your junk
Expression of Shrink: You will take your medication and I will ignore that.  Want to know what I would buy?
Jim Carrey: Yeah, whatever
Expression of Shrink: OK, a promise is what it is--I need this
Jim Carrey: A promise is a promise?
Expression of Shrink: No …what? TAKE OUT YOUR WALLET
Jim Carrey: If a promise is what it is, then a promise is a promise, though
Expression of Shrink: No, I want you to promise to take your meds and not call names and bestow forthe the mighty dollar
Jim Carrey: Well, it’s nice to be wanted to(o)… I wont arouse interest in you calling the enforcements, because that would be a wanton act and completely spontaneous
Expression of Shrink: Leave--I want your coin pouch... IS THAT IN YOUR FANNY PACK?
Jim Carrey: Especially now
Expression of Shrink: Are you talking to your voices? Are your voices employed?
Jim Carrey: My voices are talking me…
Expression of Shrink: Well, you might as well talk as well… er… I mean leave... today, I am truly a poor handfull of highly potent advice
Jim Carrey: Yeah, OK
Bitch walks out of the building and gets in his car and begins to drive home. He calls up Emily again and she talks to an excited Bitch. When the conversation ends, he turns his cell phone off and plugs it in to be recharged
Jim Carrey: Hi Emily. What would a schizoid do? Because I am officially schizophrenic
Emily: Well, you could go to the airport
Jim Carrey: Let’s role
Emily: No, you stop. I’m busy listing places and you would jump the gun and take a gamble with any old here and there
Jim Carrey: Yeah, lets’ rock, I wanna petrify
Emily: You get hard, then you realize what it means. To rock is to get things started, in actuality
Jim Carrey: I need a pill for this conversation.
Emily: Don't worry I got a morning after pill for you
Jim Carrey: RU486?
Emily: No, but I am for 69
Jim Carrey: UR469 should be the morning before pill
Emily: Is that Uranium?
Jim Carrey: I don't believe in Uranium... that's not the chemical of your dependency is it? Anyway, you don’t talk right nowadays, I wish I knew why…
Emily: Incorrect, but cute, albeit minimally
Jim Carrey: Ah, but I’m cute enough as it stands
Emily: As “It stands” ...you mean your penis, right?
Jim Carrey: What else could I be referring to??
Emily: Mine
Jim Carrey: Hmm, actually now that you mention it… you’ve lost it, so, forget about it. Would you like to hear more theories on the obvious?
Emily: No time. I talked to your dwarf 5 days ago.
Jim Carrey: Uh oh, you're doomed
Emily: Well, I try to keep myself entertained
Jim Carrey: I give you 9 months
Emily: Is it going to impregnate me?
Jim Carrey: I feel sorry for your bastard children
Emily: Yah, Bye
Bitch is at home watching television. Bitch speaks Host’s words. The phone rings, “Ring ring” and there is a nice conversation with the mother of Bitch
Jack Black: Hello, Dominoes Pizza?
Jim Carrey: Hello?
Jack Black: Dominoes?
Jim Carrey: Hmmph… Dominoes does not exist
Jack Black: It appears that you gave up on your hacking, is it the medication?
Jim Carrey: Well, I couldn’t get online.  I'm on half my dosage, have been for a while
Host (sarcastically): Well, that’s why you couldn’t get online, confused bitch
Jim Carrey: I do not deny the connection
Phone rings
Jim Carrey: The phone, it goes, ‘Green green, green green’, so I ‘pink’ it up and say ‘yellow?’”
Click noise
Jim Carrey: Hi
Mother: Hello
Jim Carrey: “’Red’oing ‘opaque,’ buddy?”
Mother: No, I can't fake an understanding there
Jim Carrey: I mean are ya doing ok, buddy? Hey! I once saw thunder out race lightning; but the rabbit had already one
Mother: Well, did you hear from the doctor about anything? Do you have a case of the PTSD?
Jim Carrey: Pretend to sit disorder?  The symptoms of that disorder being that you’re waiting at the doctor’s office in the sitting position, but there’s no chair?
Mother: That’d be an easy diagnosis
Jim Carrey: Yeah, I’m am beginning to think I could be a doctor; the nurse can just walk past and say “…another PTSD.” If somebody is making unfounded allegations, can I call him an unfounded alligator, mother?
Mother: To whom do you refer? And, what’s going on?
Jim Carrey: The psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with schizophrenia
Mother: Oh, that quack
Jim Carrey: Yep, a duck mother fuck, but there’s nothing I can do about it
Mother: Take your pills, dear
Jim Carrey: Yes, ma’am
Mother: Goodbye, I love you
Jim Carrey: I love you, too
Bitch has left his house agitated. He begins to talk to a hooker
Prostitute: Hey, sugar
Jim Carrey: Do you know much about web hosts?
Prostitute: I just stand on the corner here, they never come
Jim Carrey: But you know of them?
Prostitute: Unless you’ve forgotten, I get money to help the commoner
Jim Carrey: Yes, I’m a web host. You and him, me, whatever wouldn’t eat lobster, but I’d pay for your crabs and I would wind up on top of the bed to avoid being on the wrong side of the bed, because I’m some sort of wacky that gets crabby in alternate circumstances
Prostitute: You and I would eat?
Jim Carrey: Yes, I’d (“eat“ is said like “make you eat“) eat you and you would give him the good times.  PERVERT!  I am the doctor of my own religion and if you forsake her I will prescribe you a link to my site!
Prostitute: Just let me know if you’re interested
Jim Carrey: I KNOW!
Prostitute: tell me!
Jim Carrey: TELL YOU WHAT? That you wet the bed? Can I wet your bed?
Prostitute: Only if you lick it to wet it not after you’ve peed in it
Jim Carrey: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ALMIGHTY!
Prostitute: Well…?
Jim Carrey: Oh. Well. I’m thinking of a number between my legs and apparently it's binary, do you think I can get a computer to process it?
Prostitute: Not a computer, not me, honey
Bitch is walking the streets in midday when a homeless man begins to talk to him. Homeless1 points at his testicles in mid conversation as Bitch sidesteps past him and then begins to walk promptly upon being told off
Homeless1: Are you looking for a man? Because I am the man! I just got a twenty-dollar bill from a pimp daddy
Jim Carrey: This still doesn't make me gay
Homeless1: I’m actually a lab technician, but on the weekend I just go to the male strip bars
Jim Carrey: It’s like me going to a Chucky Cheese, because, in my situation, I not gay
Homeless1: Well, neither am I, I’m the stripper
Jim Carrey: I’ll foil you next time.  You’ll think I was the gay one
Homeless1: Yeah… right. I don’t need the foil, I already wear it in the lab
Jim Carrey: To protect from the aliens?
Homeless1: No, I just shit those out
Jim Carrey: know how a select few people bully the individual? If it were I, I wouldn’t stick to such an unknown character; it would be the school in all of it’s entirety.  I’d say, “Wall, you’re looking a little flat”
Homeless1: Anyone ever hit you when you were growing up?
Jim Carrey: If I say “yes,” will you please hit your children?
Homeless1: These two?
Homeless1 points
Jim Carrey: To condone stupidity, I’ll say, “That’s OK.”  But, that’s universally idiotic.
Homeless1: I should start charging you for having talked with you
Jim Carrey: Then I guess I’ll need some therapy for actually paying you to tell me I should fuck off
Homeless1: Well, I guess I’ll begin now… fuck off, you
Jim Carrey: Yes, sir
Walking in public, Host decides to speak with Bitch. In the middle of this talk of Bitch’s he is interrupted by Street1, and in the final line in the scene, Street1 speaks in unison with Bitch being talked
Jack Black: Have you the ability of sexing me some site filler? Fill me in so to speak.
Jim Carrey: Yes, I don’t
Jack Black: Didn’t thought so.  Seriously, I think we should make out, take a picture of it, and put it on my site
Jim Carrey: Hmm… I'll think about it, but I’ve decided against it
Steve Buschemi: What is the meaning of this?
Bitch walks on, continuing to talk to himself without seeming to care about his surroundings
Jim Carrey: Give anyone flowers today; NO, YOU DIDN’T!!! So, on a cosmic scale that means you can't make fun of me today, because a female actually accepted my flowers; if I were your mother, I would probably take your flowers too; no, I didn't get her flowers; that means she doesn’t love you, her flowers were for me; well you can have her; in the butt? She hasn’t bought me food for weeks; I’ve become emaciated!
New Scene: Bitch approaches Music1, a street performer.  He stands to listen to the music for a while then walks back to Street1 to talk with him feeling sociable. After the conversation finishes, Bitch walks off stepping on the tiles in uniform pairs
Jim Carrey: Ah, how I delight in street music
Music1: Yes, support “Dis Band,” my band, and please keep volume to a minimum… hmm, I can almost play Eulogy on guitar! I am so proud of myself
Jim Carrey: Start a new band; call it the Tool - Eulogy cover band
Music1: No, thanks
Jim Carrey: If I call you a "rocker" and I stand on you then get off, will I be off my rocker?
Music1: …No, I’m not your rocker
Jim Carrey: But, I can still get off on you though, right?
Music1: Sure, just never tell me about it ever again, in fact, shut your face, I’m trying to play
Jim Carrey: I’m always being followed by this shadow guy, he's like a sun to me
Steve Buschemi: The shadow? I saw that creep in the theater.  I hate his guts
Jim Carrey: Oh, I didn’t know you had inspected his guts
Steve Buschemi: Let’s test your mind
Jim Carrey: OK
Steve Buschemi: Quick and agile
Jim Carrey: I replied to your stupid test to test if it worked
Steve Buschemi: Wrong.  But, what if you only wore your pants on the inside?
Jim Carrey: My insides look like what now?
Steve Buschemi: Genes I assume...
Jim Carrey: Oh, blue!  I didn’t know it was associative
Steve Buschemi: That wasn’t the question.  It was cat-like physical skills. The answer, anyway.
Jim Carrey: I wasn't thinking ahead; I think behind; of them, anyway
Steve Buschemi: Is this some cunning trick to get me in bed with you? Because I am looking for a place to stay…
In the park a woman, Pez, sits and is met by friend, Bitch.
Jim Carrey: Hi, Pez, I decided to hack a site and then the web host turned me into his personal bitch
Pez: Hehe, yo, bitch
Jim Carrey: She’s Pez… she’s got to be easy, just insert and pull the head back
Pez: Excuse me?
Jim Carrey: It’s the host. She’s spring loaded. All I’m saying is she's offering you candy, you've just got to grab her by the hair and elongate her throat
Pez: I’m not sure I know what you’re on about, but I’d like to as’ for money
Jim Carrey: Ass for money, I’m in!
Pez: I mean “ask”
Jim Carrey: Oh, so I’m the middleman and you’re the recipient… well, which is the wholesaler?
Pez: Just give me 20 bucks
Jim Carrey: Alright, but what’s it for?
Pez: I’m going to buy some Pokemon cards
Jim Carrey: Well, it’s better than that poke-a-man game I’ve heard of
Jack Black: Shirley, you do realize you should have helped her with her love canals
Jim Carrey: It’s not as if France doesn’t get enough jokes. They comprehend. And you need to know that I am not “Bitch” or “Shirley.”
In the park still, Pez sits with a phone call and Bitch gets up walks a bit in a circular pattern ending back where the bench Pez is on was
Jim Carrey: To “rock a boat” should be to skip stones into a floating vessel until it succumbs to the might of the deep; and, if you’re unsure, the might of the deep can be observed in everything I say.
Jack Black: I feel like I’m the god of you or something… like your (my) Poseidon character. What do you think?
Jim Carrey: Whatever you force me to say will suffice here, thank you, blah, blah
Jack Black: So you’re a religious man then?
Jim Carrey: I am in service to you, but of course
Jack Black: Well, my bitch, I am in service to myself, should I service myself elsewhere?
Jim Carrey: All over. You should masturbate everywhere you’ve thought to before I whack you. I wish I could stop this
Jack Black: fair, fairy, follow the fellow
Jim Carrey: Not my style
Jack Black: Dear lord, the hayseeds have made it into the dictionary! “CONTRA DANSE” is an alternate spelling for country dance!!
Jim Carrey: Well, yeehaw.
Jack Black: I hate the idea of you editing anything I make you say, yet I find it irresistible to talk to you it’s sort of like… talking to French fries. Like I’m in my own little world where there are guns, cannon, and mines erupting everywhere. Sometimes I’ll be walking then I’ll burst into little sprints, that’s what happens when you’ve set the sail right
Jim Carrey: Well, I thank you. If you played minesweeper would I lose an arm?
Host begins in a singing voice
Jack Black: Jane says…
Jim Carrey: Mary?
Jack Black: No
Jim Carrey: Why does Jane say no?
Jack Black: Because she don't know what’s wrong with you
Jim Carrey: OK, new topic…
Jack Black: A new topic is: what were you talking about earlier?
Jim Carrey: I bet you’re a reader, web guy… you should try 101 jokes by Richard Simmons
Jack Black: Are there any jokes about fat women?
Jim Carrey: I think he stays away from women completely
Jack Black: What about fat men?
Jim Carrey: He works them until they're thin
Jack Black: Ah, everybody likes a zinger… I’ve got one… how do you clean a vagina in a can?
Jim Carrey: I don’t know. How do you clean a bottled vagina?
Jack Black: I give it to your father
Jim Carrey: Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…
Jack Black: Perch hats, perch hats, perch hats, get that fish off your head!
Jim Carrey: Yes, well, since I will no longer be hacking you or anyone else, I think I’ll have an ice cream and we can be on our separate ways
Jack Black: Nope. Ever skydive into a pool of blood?
Jim Carrey: Never
Jack Black: If there were two equations on the ceiling and the teacher asked you to position yourself near the one you knew, would you understand beneath the latter?
Jim Carrey: I guess
Jack Black: Ooooh, bad luck
Jim Carrey: You have an unknown tradition of negativity
Jack Black: methinks its ‘merican
Jim Carrey: “Merican! --When you can't tell the difference between Mexico and America” …in fairness I do have a sombrero. It’s a somber sombrero; I wear it only at funerals
Jack Black: Well, at least you’re learning
Jim Carrey: Yeah, learning to be bitch talked. You know, few know how smart I really am
Jack Black: Well? Are you intelligent?
Jim Carrey: Depends on your dictionary. Mine says I’m smart on every page. That’s why I bought it
Jack Black: Mine has pictures of naked women in it
Jim Carrey: What is your purpose here?
Jack Black: My goal is to have sex with 10,000 women, like Wilt Chamberlain.
Jim Carrey: Well, just have sex with Wilt Chamberlain, it will be like your having sex with all his previous partners
Jack Black: But…
Jim Carrey: Yes, in the butt
Jack Black: I'd have to be unprotected.
Jim Carrey: Well, that's not my concern
Jack Black: Oh. Then I'm not going to do that. Anal hurts. I think
Back with Pez now a kid walks up to them in mid conversation. In the end, Bitch takes the hat away
Jim Carrey: When is the last time we had an honest mano a mano? Like with swords and stuff?
Jack Black: How mows the lawn dart?
Jim Carrey: I'm thinking of a number, between the two of us, it's 4; but, hey, that’s just the cough medicine talking
Pez: Have you lost it?
Jim Carrey: No, but there’s moisture in my pants
Pez: You’re panting from a brisk jog?
Jim Carrey: Describe my oral escapade?
Pez: Question you, question me, question you? Answer me question, you
Jim Carrey: OK, in Australia the weathermen tell you no weather report, just that you’re under the weather
Pez: Next, I’ll find you hanging off the ledge of a tall building with plush toys in your pants
Jim Carrey: If you had a friend, Lee, and he weren’t friendly, what would you be?
Jack Black: Hey, kid, you should go up to a prostitute and say, "Silly prostitute, tricks are for kids" and then go suck someone off...
Jim Carrey: No, I’m not saying that… I mean hat, hot hat.  It’s better than my full head of hair, but one day though I shall over come; literally, I'll trap you in my semen you'll never clean it off your head!
Kid: Yah, my hat makes me feel all warm underneath it
Jim Carrey: Can I have your hat?
Kid: No
Jim Carrey: What happens when I tell you it’s above your head and there’s nothing you can do
Bitch goes to his fathers’ house for a quick conversation.
Father: Hi, son
Jim Carrey: How are you?
Father: Happy, you?
Jim Carrey: High. Care you enlighten this bitch with your philosophical?
Father: Sure, you’re high, well, let me figure out if it’s allowed in this house and then I’ll drip it on your face… ZEUS, I think it’s alright. Well, strike me dead, you’re getting away with it. If you weren’t, your mother or anyone else should mail you to dabba-wacky, which, I recall, is a philosophy of Garfield. I believe such is the Meow of Garfield. That’s my argument, anyway.
Jim Carrey: I’d argue with your argument, but that’s the snowball effect of philosophy rendering all statements going toward my further statement false by the slippery slope of the hill the snowball is rolling on
Father: I bid you adieu
Jim Carrey: Your and my bid isn’t top dollar so it doesn’t go to you, but I’ll take much adieu and be gone
Bitch and Host talk in another reality, while driving back home.
Jack Black: Believe in your journal and you will soon be a journalist
Jim Carrey: Do you think the doctor will catch me being off of my pills?
Jack Black: In a butterfly net? I’d say you’re a bit paranoid or that’s what they want you to think
Jim Carrey: You almost said, “That’s what they want you to stink”
Jack Black: I wonder what kind of horrible job you will have
Jim Carrey: I’ll accept a job in cereal, maybe come up with a slogan like “The reason our cereal absorbs milk is that Life sucks” or make a lesbian leprechaun the new cartoon for lucky charms
Jack Black: I’d open their lucky charm box
Jim Carrey: No, the prize is mine!
Jack Black: Well, you'll never have their marshmallow heart
Jim Carrey: Yes, but I’ll have their balloons & horseshoes until the end of time! At least until the mold and decay…
Jack Black: The balloons are fake.
Jim Carrey: Just like this conversation…
Jack Black: What in the-bloody-hell-what-now are you speaking of?
Jim Carrey: I don’t remember
Jack Black: Well, you would need a member to remember
Host contacts another web host and then just decides to talk Bitch
Jack Black: Want to start bugging some one for me?
Tom Cruise: Like... cockroaches?
Jack Black: You know what we should do... we should find one of those women who smoke cigarettes with their vaginas and stick some marijuana in some paper and have her smoke it then call it a cockroach. Never mind, I was just going to leave this guy alone for a while
Tom Cruise: OK, bye
Jack Black: NO! Stay a little longer
Tom Cruise: You want me longer? Well, you're going to have impress me, so to speak
Jack Black: Meh, I don't need you… I’ll just find some other transvestite hooker
Tom Cruise: Actually... it doesn't get any longer than this, bye
Jim Carrey: I just had a big orgy with nine men and one chick; so, I'm not gay
Jack Black: You’re not gay… you’re just sticky
Jim Carrey: Ack, I didn’t mean to say that… nor any of this
Jack Black: If you had to have sex with your family or a goat, which would you choose?
Jim Carrey: Neither, but you had sex with the family's goat and then the goat’s family!
Tom Cruise: Wait, he can’t insult you like that
Jack Black: Hey! I thought you left, but it seems you’re right
Tom Cruise: I’m not right either… wait… OK, never mind, bye
Jack Black: And it’s actually that I would chose my mother, how about you, bitch?
Jim Carrey: Yes, I would do your mother, and, no, you would not do me
Tom Cruise: I’m telling your mother
Pez’s house sets the stage for this scene and Host sits at the shrink’s work talking to him
Pez: You’re here! Well, you made it, albeit a little behind is what you are
Jim Carrey: Yeah I’m here and I know we haven’t been the best of friends, but you don’t need to comment on my small ass
Pez: Cranberry drink to go with your medication?
Jim Carrey: No, anyone who drinks crayons is nuts and I’m off of them
Pez: You aren’t on Abilify anymore?
Jim Carrey: No, and it was high time when I got off
Pez: You mean it got you high when you stopped taking it?
Jim Carrey: Yes, and I think it got me off, but that’s not the point, it made me miserable depressed afterward and the webmaster got out of me
Pez: What’s his website like?
Jim Carrey: It’s a hit with all the wiggers
Pez: I was called a wigger once
Jim Carrey: So you took off the hairpiece?
Pez: No, but now that I know what it means, I regret not having done so
Jim Carrey: I wonder what would happen if I bought a gun and called 911 to say, “OK, I just got this gun, and I was wanting to shoot some police officers, but I haven't seen any around... bye.” Do you think they would send out some folks to get shot?
Jack Black: I’m hearing this man in my head. He’s a hacker and he was hacking my site, so, I used the technology I had invested in to go into his head and communicate. But, now, he’s in my head and he can’t hear me, but I hear him and I know where he lives, but he’s making me want to buy a gun. Anyway, I feel really out of it
Expression of Shrink: Have you heard much about schizophrenia?
Jack Black: What? in my head?
Jim Carrey: Anyway, I stopped taking the pills because I don’t think I’m schizophrenic, I think when you talk your voices it’s PTSD. I talked to my father about it
Pez: Ah, yip yapping in shouting spurts, that sounds like you
Jim Carrey: So, what are you doing on Halloween?
Pez: Umm, don't think I'm doing anything
Jim Carrey: Oh, well you can join me in egging frying pans and toilet papering toilets...
Pez: Sounds a bit wild. I don’t know if I could handle that much excitement
Jim Carrey: Yeah, and then I’m going to spray paint fences… my gang sign is a solid color, so, I’ll have to make the entire fence brown. Unfortunately the wood might be too close of a color to distinguish my gang color
Jack Black: Madness… my complete ruin has been accomplished by a computer-using hoodlum
Pez: I want to talk
Jim Carrey: Well, the topic of choice is determinism. Pun intended to make you burst out laughing and then decide it was just a pun. I remember when I chose determinism, some guy who believed in free will determined it false. Of course, he said he chose to say it was false and that just that he determined it didn’t mean it was determinism, but I thought it was very deterministic of him to give his reply
Pez: Punny stuff, but we can no longer talk
Jim Carrey: Puny actually and I don’t know what you mean entirely
Pez: No. You see, you hacked a site, became quite crazy, and now I’ve got a website host in my head lamenting.
Jim Carrey: Well, don’t let him bitch you
Pez: Bitch me? He’s not yelling, hell, he’s on the verge of wanting death
Jim Carrey: Hell? Muahaha, he’s not all there, is he? The hellhound who wrote of nothing on his personal forum about his abusiveness
Pez: Yours
Jim Carrey: Well, I’m not destructive, what makes you say that?
Pez: Your death. He’s coming for you. You need to hide out at my place
Jim Carrey: You don’t think that’s what he wants me to do?
Pez: No
Jim Carrey: OK, I’ll stay for a while
This is a continuation of the previous scene where Shrink is sitting with Host. Host gets a prescription and heads for the door
Expression of Shrink: Well, I don’t think you’re schizophrenic, I’m just going to put you on an antidepressant for a month
Jack Black: Alright
Expression of Shrink: There you are
Jack Black: Well, where else? Thank you, would you like a link to my site?
Expression of Shrink: You’re recommending me a website?
Jack Black: No, I just like to threaten others with it
Expression of Shrink: See the secretary about a follow up appointment and payment options
Jack Black: You got it, Bye
Still at Pez’s house, Bitch and Pez get conversational and Host listens in from his room hearing only Bitch. Pez goes to the kitchen and begins to shout
Pez: You still haven’t tapped any tang, yet?
Jim Carrey: Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve even admitted that to you
Pez: It’s not just for astronauts anymore
Jim Carrey: Are you sure that’s you talking?
Jack Black: Yes
Pez: Yes… I think
Jack Black: What was the problem? That was the least ambiguous I could be
Jim Carrey: Well, what’s on TV tonight?
Pez: NASA channel, I don’t know… Let me cook something up
Jim Carrey: How about hot dogs and do you have chips and dip?
Pez: Grape?
Jim Carrey: Me?
Pez: Yes!
Jim Carrey: What's the difference between tasting like a grape and tasting like grapes? Who rubs themselves with a single grape I ask you!?
Pez: Well, I just thought they could come in handy or something
Jim Carrey: HANDS, HANDS--that’s why I’m never lonely!
Pez: I TALKED TO MY SOLIPSIST FATHER TODAY, BUT HE CLEARLY REFUSED TO TALK TO ME
Jim Carrey: Judge not, Pez, perhaps it was his intent to be silent. In that case, if he were you, then he would be irreparably uncontrollable
Pez: Uncontrollable? Here have some chips
Jim Carrey: Well…stupid or something
Pez: The chip? It’s what you asked for!
Jim Carrey: Well, I knew that, I meant your father
Pez: Oh, that’s what I’m mad at
Jim Carrey: Well, surely you realize that I’m mad too
Pez: Well, what did I do?
Jim Carrey: You did a thing with words and then I misinterpreted
Pez: That was clear, what else?
Jim Carrey: Else from or
Pez: Or else!?
Jim Carrey: What?
Pez: I just think it’s stupid or something
Jack Black: Shut up, shut up, shut up
Jim Carrey: It is what it is, you’ve observed it completely, but you’ve missed the point
Pez: Is it on one of those foam hands I’ve seen on the tube?
Jim Carrey: The point is always on a pointer, dog
Jack Black: I’m putting him in a psychiatric prison
Pez: Ah, I have an idea. Let’s go for a drive
Jim Carrey: Where to?
Pez: Have you ever wanted to check out something really crazy in a secluded area?
Jim Carrey: No
Pez: It’s called you’re-getting-an-evaluation
Jim Carrey: OK, tell me what you think
Pez: First, you gotta beat me to the car
Jim Carrey: No thank you, I'd rather sell my body fluid today
Pez: An exchange for body fluids? Don't you know what that leads to?
Jim Carrey: Taxation?
Pez: Well, a deduction...
Jim Carrey: Well, I guess a mistake was made—HEY! Look at the rocket ship going to Mars
Pez: Mars makes me think of crevices and thick, rounded spots, how about you?
Jim Carrey: Mars makes me think of something Christmas-like, like green aliens on a red surface, you make me think of slut-porn
Jack Black: Well, I know how he celebrates the festivities—with family
Pez: Ever think of raising a child?
Jim Carrey: And then dropping it… like at the parents’ place. I can’t be held responsible
Pez: Never mind. Hey, I’m going to the mental ward, wanna come?
Jim Carrey: Intriguing
Jack Black: What is?
Pez: That you’re driving me batty?
Jim Carrey: I thought we were having hot dogs
Pez: Nope, it’s chips and that was obvious
Jim Carrey: Really? Or did I make my demands earlier?
Pez: Yes, no, do you know why I’m mad now?
Jim Carrey: Yes, about vag’ --you asked me that, I responded, I got depressed, and now you're asking me again
Pez: Isn't life funny that way????
Jim Carrey: No
Pez: It’s still you
Jim Carrey: Well, do you want me… to leave?
Pez: Yes and no
Jim Carrey: Okie
Scene is from the TV’s perspective and the door can be seen. Both look to the TV, Bitch on the couch and Pez standing behind him. 20 seconds of television elapse then Bitch leaves Pez’s house for his car
Pez: Get out
Jim Carrey: Thanks for the chips
Pez: Yeah
Bitch gets in his car, pulls out of the space, gets on the freeway, gets off at a seven-eleven, makes himself a (white) pina colada slurpee, pays, and leaves for home, then he gets a phone call from Emily, hangs up and looks down to put the cell phone away while pulling a u-turn, he slams the breaks, then hits the corner of a traffic light post
Emily: Hi, what is this word we call “sex?”
Jim Carrey: Word? Do you mean word like werd? As in hello?
Emily: Of course
Jim Carrey: I see. Werd
Emily: “I” like “eye?”
Jim Carrey: You damn well do!
Emily: No, what’s another word for sex?
Jim Carrey: Hmm… you want a “fuck?”
Emily: Yes, thanks, i want an orgasm
Jim Carrey: I’ll give you five
Emily: Could you imagine having five at once?
Jim Carrey: No, but I could imagine having a Supersoaker penis
Emily: You pump it then you fire?
Jim Carrey: I do. I have to refill the tank too
Emily: Hose in the ass?
Jim Carrey: I don't have 7 year olds doing it though, anyway, I’ll be right over
Emily: I’m hungry
Jim Carrey: Join the club
Emily: Done, now what?
Jim Carrey: Pay me your dues
Emily: How about I pay you in doo-doos?
Jim Carrey: Whenever I think of feces, I think of monkeys throwing it
Emily: Is this normal?
Jim Carrey: You should think about poop. That's what my doctor tells me anyway. Saying random words isn't as good as saying synonyms in the word association game. Tube of meat?
Emily: Like salami?
Jim Carrey: Of course I do, that’s what I’d bring. I hope you have bread, I’ll spread mayo and meat between the pieces
Emily: Party hardy
Jim Carrey: You’ve got a party what? I wasn’t planning for anything social until you called
Emily: That’s OK. I’ll bring the party, you bring the hardy
Jim Carrey: Oooh-la-la
Screen goes white upon impact and the next scene takes place at Host’s house. Host is eating a pizza and spasms forward as if he were the one in the accident and quickly dies on the floor
Jack Black: Uggh, I’m dying
New scene takes place at the crash site with car horns blaring. Bitch gets a new phone call from Pez at home regarding the web host
Pez: I heard a terrible noise then words like “I’m dying” from the web host
Jim Carrey: Yeah, bad timing or poor driving, you see, I’ve been struck by a light post. The light behind my head seems to be off so let me quickly pull into a space with my car
Pez: I think you killed him!
Jim Carrey: Nonsense
Pez: Yes, you did! I’m calling the cops
Jim Carrey: OK, bye
Pez is on the phone at home, presses four buttons and talks to the police. The phone call ends, she bites her nails and paces in the room by the door and looks out of the window when she hears a vehicle approach. Once Pez enters the squad car, she is informed of where she is headed
Pez: I think a man is dead
Police: OK, who are you and where are you located?
Pez: Whelp, I’m Pez I’m at home and I heard a noise but it was in my head
Police: Pez, listen to me, we need to know where your house is located
Pez: 55512 Yee Lane
Police: Someone will be right over
Pez: Alright
Andy Richter: Hello, ma’am?
Pez: Yes, hello, come right in
Andy Richter: We received a call from a Pez, is that you?
Pez: Yes
Andy Richter: What is the nature of your distress?
Pez: The man in my head died
Andy Richter: I don’t know what I should do about that
Pez: No?
Andy Richter: Oh, I know what we should do, do you want to go with me in my car for a quick visit with someone
Pez: I guess
Andy Richter: Are you comfortable back there?
Pez: Yes, where are we headed, by the way?
Andy Richter: Oh, we’ll be going to the psychiatric bin where I’ll drop you off and you can tell them all about the man who you claim is in your head
Pez: But he’s dead and I know who killed him
Andy Richter: Now you don’t
Pez: What did you do?
Andy Richter: I swiped his name
Pez: And my desire to fuck him? All I know now is that he’s some sort of bitch.
Andy Richter: Oh, honestly he wasn’t a bitch until you wanted to fuck him
Pez: Are you mocking me?
Andy Richter: Settle down, ma’am
At the crash scene, confusion erupts when Bitch calls Emily. Next, Bitch calls AAA and has his fluid-dripping vehicle towed away 
Jim Carrey: Hi, Emily? Pez was just talking some shit about me killing a web host and it almost distracted me from me crashing my car
Emily: So… you aren’t going to make it?
Jim Carrey: Consider it unmade
Emily: That would be “You aren’t going to make unmade,” then?
Bitch (talking in a fragmented, delayed way): It being the thing in question unto itself, plus there was a mentionable “unmade” mistake in that which was said. I’m a bit flustered
Emily: Contradictory, my dear flustered flutist, but how far away are you?
Jim Carrey: I’m not going to show
Emily: You seem to be the one not talking right, it’s no secret now you must be telling me, sweet cheeks, hair, balls, and rod
Jim Carrey: I will not be there
Emily: Oh
Jim Carrey: Bye. I’m calling the triple A to get my ride fixed
Emily: See ya
Jim Carrey: Hello, I’ve been in an accident… Yes, send it to F Street and Franklin
Bitch hangs up the phone puts it away stands back and reflects
Jim Carrey: God awful everyone…
Pez having met Emily at a get-together calls her up to talk to someone and Pez makes a finger motion with her mouth to make a funny sound
Emily: Hello?
Pez: Hello, Emily?
Emily: Yes? Who is this?
Pez: It’s Pez like from the get-together with the true criminal in all of my dinky world, the now known killer of a certain web host
Emily: Ah, Pez, I’ve had pez
Pez: You most certainly have not
Emily: Well, we shook hands at the party of sorts
Pez: Not sexually, you deviant
Emily: I can’t imagine… I want to know what this is all about
Pez: The potential man in my life was in a car accident and killed the man speaking in my head that mysteriously had been headed for triumph over him, then I was institutionalized at the Oak Street hospital
Emily: The dickens is wrong with you?
Pez: The “dick ins?”
Emily: Fuck if I know… eheheh, oh dear. Listen, you’re thinking of the man who wants to screw me, but can’t stop mucking with his phone for long enough to do a one-eighty
Pez: 180… is that radio code for the male genitalia?
Emily: No, he was turning
Pez: He was fine, what you talking about, girl?
Emily: Not fermenting and not going homo, he was legitimately in a car
Pez: Well, what I meant to call about was something like that visiting hours are between 8 and 8 on the weekend and that maybe you come by
Emily: You’re bored?
Pez: Yes, and I’m going slightly abedee-abedah stupid
Emily: I’ll send a stripper, I gotta run
Scene begins with Emily calling a number, then putting a sweatband on and lacing her shoes, she exits the house, and begins to jog parallel to the camera, then into the distance
Emily: Hi, 14555 Oak Street… thanks
The camera draws near then parallels her and she begins to think
Emily-thought: There’s nothing better than a nice jog; well, maybe sitting on your ass and watching someone else do it could be better, especially, if you could hear their internal voices as comfort. Plus, if you were a dude with that power, you could see what they visualize, like, if I pictured myself topless
Emily smiles and her top disappears with a chime. A stranger nears while the camera shot widens to show their heads to at least their knees
Stranger: Woah, woah, woah, stop. You can’t be running around without a top. Here
Stranger gets stranger as he literally reaches into his ass crack and pulls out a sports bra for her. The joke being, “Hey? Where’s the ass-bra?” And she puts it on
Stranger: You’re the kind of girl that I would like to marry. How does that fit?
Emily: Sure, this will work, and you can get me the ring later. I don’t have a nipple piercing for it though
SOMETHING LIKE 3 YEARS LATER: the back yard of a house is shown with a kid running around topless in front of Emily and Stranger both sitting then the kid gets into a kid’s pool
Stranger: Do you think she needs some more sunscreen?
Child: No
Stranger: Defiant… and she came from my penis too!
Emily: Incest!
Stranger: WELL THEN LET’S GET EVERONE IN JAIL FOR INCEST! …except the clones …MY GOD THEY REALLY WILL RULE US ALL!
MEANWHILE: Bitch is home alone reading a manual on driving that has marks on it and mumbles to himself about his plans
Jim Carrey: Maybe I could work at the taxi company. Or, I guess I’ll just get a rental of Taxi Driver for the night
Back at the mental institution, Pez is sitting looking down, then up
Pez: I need to get out
Emily and stranger are sitting again
Emily: Do you want out of the pool?
Bitch is watching Taxi Driver all alone and the camera faces him
Jim Carrey: (Oh) no…
Bitch’s mouth drops, then it switches to Pez’s environment
Nurse: Where would you go to?
Pez: I’m thinking… home?
Emily gets up and starts walking toward her kid
Child: No, I’m having fun
Pez: Well, I’m not paying for this experience
Nurse: Maybe you’d rather go to the state hospital?
Pez: Wouldn’t you like to know…
Jim Carrey: Research over
Nurse: And then we find out your insane
Bitch is at the Taxi company asking for employment from the boss
Jim Carrey: This is my resume, I hope you do find me quite appropriate
Emily: OK, here’s your lotion
Boss: I don’t need this as much as you need to know how to drive
Pez: You’re driving me insane
Jim Carrey: Only crashed once
Emily: Now all your problems are solved
Boss: Casualties?
Child: Yep
Jim Carrey: No way would I kill anyone intentionally
Pez: Actually he did kill him with much hate in his heart for him
Emily: That’s weird
Nurse: Yeah, I’m not sure how to interpret this
Boss: You wouldn’t kill me too, would you?
Jim Carrey: Listen, we’re off of that point
Child: Yes, he would
Stranger: I still don’t get this
Jim Carrey: Well, here’s what I know
Stranger: What?
Jim Carrey: What I know
Stranger: That’s nonspecific
Jim Carrey: I’ll get to it
Child: Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel!
Jim Carrey: That reminds me, I was in the bathroom today and someone was in the urinal next to me and I pulled a Jimmy and went “Hey” to him
Child: You pulled his Jimmy!?!
Boss: This sort of broke down
Jim Carrey: Well, let me explain. The writer is the web host, he wrote it reverse-role as a metaphor for his own life, and, because everybody was trying to kill him and he needs to practice self-defense like how big movie companies with major websites crash cars sometimes, my car hit a post and it killed the web host, the writer of this film
Nurse: Oh, well, then Pez is free to go
Pez: We aren’t still doing the movie are we?
Child: I thought we were adlibbing
Stranger: No, this was a movie
Emily: No, it was a movie then we started to talk to each other
Stranger: OK, well, find out whose kid this is
Child: I’m actually a midget in a donkey’s ass in a kid suit
Boss: If that were my kid I might give it a spanking
Child: I’d crap on you, I learned it from a prisoner. Anybody got a smoke?
The actor playing the director of the film speaks in Bitch’s reality
Actor: I have an idea, you can read this thing, I wrote when I was young, with your fake father for some of the rest of the film, OK, hacker bitch?
Jim Carrey: Fine
A new scene begins with Bitch and Father in the TV room of their house
Father: In my generation it was give me Librium or give me meth.
Jim Carrey: That reminds me of a joke
Father: It was B.P.
Jim Carrey: B.S.?
Father: Before Prozac
Jim Carrey: Did you write this material yourself or did you need help?
Father: Ouch, I’m sure I wouldn’t need help kicking your ass
Jim Carrey: And that reminds me of a threat. Need help getting up dad?
Father: Yeah, the genital pick-me-up pills are on the counter
Jim Carrey: Painting me a catamite?
Father: I can think of an expedient for use in lieu
Jim Carrey: I think I hear anyone calling me from anywhere
Actor: It wasn’t me
Father: Isn’t there a ‘k’ in Prozac?
Actor: No, you haven’t the character for Prozac
Jim Carrey: Anyway, he threatened to squirt me with dong--I think you're going to put that in a movie just because it insults me
Actor: Fine. You can leave. In fact, we shall leave
Boss is in Boss’s environment
Boss: And yee shall leave the driving to us
Actor: The only problem with the main film is that I don’t think we can teach about schizophrenia by example, so, let me just say I may have caught myself some as it is very contagious
Boss: Oh, yeah?
Actor: Yeah, isn’t schizophrenia how we’re communicating?
Nurse: No
Pez: I’ll agree and leave, thanks
Child: Seems the theme
An explosion happens in the background of Bitch’s environment
Jim Carrey: Woah, the director is trying to kill us
Actor: At least I’m not over-working you
Jim Carrey: What? You want to kill our career too?
Actor: No, just calling you a fatty--get with Simmons
Jim Carrey: So, the gay makes us look bad?
Tom Cruise: Yes, lose the gayness
Actor: I think this bitch called me gay, but I’m pretty sure that, that other web host is paying attention and knows bitch is the botch and I am a simple thespian
Tom Cruise: Yes, that’s what he meant
Actor: Whatever, it’s over, you can leave
An explosion hits
Actor: CUT! Damn uppity hackers… it’s difficult to put together a film nowadays with these damn bomber pilots hitting my set and they’re all working for idiots hating on that screenwriter who wrote the website that this film of thruth is based on. IT’S SITE HITS TO THESE WING-ED CHICKEN BUTTS!
Tom Cruise: Yo-yo--gyro, I’ll give you that, I will, I’ll submit to you “chicken butts.” But couldn’t you give these chickies a new set to trash, aren’t you hogging the chicken? And aren’t these the wrong type of animal to be allowing free rein of land and sky to? I mean, chickens will be a stinking nuisance, especially when they are to be hog’d
Actor: Squirt me with your funny juice
Tom Cruise: Aww would ya look at that… I'm fresh out! Maybe the dog has some left for you
Actor: What does your dog respond to?
Tom Cruise: Nothing, I just keep calling it but it never comes
Actor: Well rub me with a smile
Tom Cruise: Is that your dialect or are you a true frotterist?
Actor: I'd never tell a klismafiliac that, you see, a klismafiliac is one who receives sexual gratification from enimas
Tom Cruise: I'm not hitting on you
Actor: I'd hit you back, homo. Anyway, for the time being:  that would be interesting if a parent of a child who grew up mean, realized the fact that it was an a-hole, so they taught it things like that the word “sigh,” was really how to say “die” and so, when he was an adult, he went around saying “why don’t you sigh!? I want you to sigh!”
Tom Cruise: Well, it’s better than telling people to die, and then they sigh at you
Actor: In an unrelated topic, I hate peephole and I wonder if rappers pronounce “peephole” as “peefole”
Tom Cruise: In a related topic, I’m looking at a woman right now without her knowledge. This woman is trying to seduce me. This woman is you.
Actor: Fat-head!
Tom Cruise: I believe the fat in the brain is in the glial cells--because they’re so gleeful
Actor: Yeah, as I was saying, sometimes, when you talk about the anatomy of the brain, I wonder if you’re a neurosurgeon
Tom Cruise: That’s why I’m taking these online courses. It’s just hard to keep my hands over home row, though
Actor: No, no, no, show her your home column. Hey, I bet I could record this improvisational junk and sell the reel to some phony
Actor starts recording
Jim Carrey: Yeah, there’s an idea
Tom Cruise: And you say this to yourself? Anyway, I’m so close to a degree, that I’ll be damned if I don’t marry it
Actor: Did you knock “degree” up?
Tom Cruise: No, but I hit it up for some style. I’m so proud of my self I could be a gangster
Actor: Gangsta? But, you can’t afford the jewelry?
Tom Cruise: I’ll just rob a logging factory of a chain, then spray paint it a golden color and wear it around my neck
Actor: But, the timber industry will fall
Tom Cruise: Or will be felled, so to speak, and if I leave before that happens, it wont make a sound
Actor: But you don’t stick to your plans, do you…?
Tom Cruise: I hear dat! Well, unless my plans are put together loosely with glue…
Actor: “Dat”--I guess you are a gangsta. I thought all your planning involved Lego
Tom Cruise: Nope, macaroni and glue. (you) peefole
Actor: I wish you had answered with a simple “no,” like I didn’t care that the real answer was a different one, and indeed I don’t
Tom Cruise: Do you want a “no” because you don’t know? I’ll tell you that, that would make me a negative magic 8 ball, if all I said was “no”
Actor: Magic brownies are a gateway to the magic 8 balls, you know?
Host2 tilts head left: You know…
Host2 tilts head right: I don’t. Go ahead and tell me your theories
Actor: I wonder if there are any Indian gods with 8 balls, I also wonder if these Hindu balls of the god make his decisions for him… but, I wonder what that God’s name would be
Tom Cruise: well, it wouldn’t be Octopus, that’s for sure
Actor: I really need your input, I do…
Tom Cruise: OK
Actor: Minus OK
Tom Cruise: Hah, you little fuck
Actor: Minus little fuck, plus Godly trucker
Tom Cruise: Woe is me
Actor: You are woe?
Tom Cruise: Indeed. And if I were music, the obbligato would be the “gato”--a Spanish cat
Actor: Woah, woe. I wish I were a Native American and knew a Mao, then I could say, “How Mao”
Tom Cruise: Isn’t a MAO an anti-depressant? Or was it a topping on a sandwich?
Actor steps into a portable toilet
Actor: I think it’s a Chinese guy
Tom Cruise: Well good, it’s about time!
Actor: How many times do I have to tell you!?!?!?
Tom Cruise: What you say?
Actor: Stop peeing on the toilet seat!
Tom Cruise: Well I have excellent control of my penis, it must have been someone else
Actor: Someone else was guiding your penis?
Tom Cruise: Yes, a rather attractive female. She was hanging out, then she made like Siamese twins and split… and then one of her died… or something
Actor: Talking to my testes?
Tom Cruise: Yeah, just thinking’ about her makes my testicles wanna drop
Actor: Oh, you are. Well, these ain’t yours‘!
Tom Cruise: In the future, when I’m a doctor man and I run out of latex gloves, I think I’ll just put on condoms over each finger
Actor: Those are for the doctors performing evacuations, condom-fingered neurosurgeon.
Tom Cruise: Come again? Haha, I said “come”
Actor: You said “come again!!” And then “come” once more
Tom Cruise: Yes, yum, well…
Actor walks out of the portable toilet
Actor: No, on the nourishment, yes, on the goodies. And now, I’m out of the closet of poop. Boy, do you have a thick cervix
Tom Cruise: Did you know cervix can also mean any type of resemblance to the neck, or even the neck itself? but don’t get jealous of my cervix
Actor: I like it when you make sense… go make some sense out of that
Tom Cruise: No
Actor: Are you busy or just half-assed tonight?
Tom Cruise: Both
Actor: But are you busy with your half ass?
Tom Cruise: No, I’m busy looking for the other half
Actor: I know an ass… but he’s a full on ass, sorry
Tom Cruise: Well, when you look at him, I bet you don’t say, “Boy howdy look at that ass,” now, do you? It’s just a well known secret
Actor: Probably not. But boy… howdy, it would be fun.
Tom Cruise: Who is this “But boy” (that) you speak of? Is he the ass?
Actor: Should we ask the donkey in the kid suit?
Tom Cruise: Over and over you should. You always hear that, one day, with practice--
Actor: Ah, The Practice, a wonderful show, and it shows, in the reruns, on the television, that is…
Tom Cruise: I hated it
Actor: You didn’t like the philosophies in it?
Tom Cruise: I didn’t see that one
Actor: You have no sense of oneness
Tom Cruise: WOW
Actor: MOM
Tom Cruise: Er… your mom, not mine
Actor: Sorry, just had to reflect on your comment
Tom Cruise: Yes, me too, in anticipation of your mom, I got up underneath and got in my “WOW”
Actor: Oh, boy!
Tom Cruise: It’s a girl!
Actor: What happens if it’s a split personality? Then when one of her gives the other the finger she gets, right-well, poked in the eye with it, by the other
Tom Cruise: Do you hold some sort of particular interest?
Actor: In split personality / disjoined Siamese twins?
Tom Cruise: Even if that’s not it, describe your “thing”
Actor: Oh, you think you’re being clever now, do you…? Aren’t you trying to perform a test of mind and distract me from that which is my true love? You just want to make me fall for a trick
Tom Cruise: Just stop hooking. I had to confront you, I don’t support what you’re doing
Actor: Well, listen, if I were bald I could just have a sex change and join the circus…
Tom Cruise: All I’ll listen to is emo songs, though
Actor: Well, at least it’s not Elmo
Tom Cruise: Well, that’s cool too…
Actor: Not in my book. It’s over 400 pages long
Tom Cruise: Your guide to the penis. Page one--look down. Page two--upon female parts
Actor: The second edition has no pictures, due to reader request
Tom Cruise: And the rest of the pages just explain that you don’t want readers to look upon female parts, but rather choose a penis over them
Actor: I think I should go to your school. I will live in your bathroom and take your classes
Tom Cruise: I’m going to make a band and call it “The Beatless” and get famous quick. It will be a band with no musicians, we’ll just bring a radio and play the songs on the radio with imaginary instruments
Actor: Oh, but you should bring an actual cow bell and ding it every once in a while. How much is rent in your toilet?
Tom Cruise: No. You get no bathroom
Actor: Why not?
Tom Cruise: Because that’s the option you would want me to pick, given my potential in the matter
Actor: But it wasn’t reverse psychology though
Tom Cruise: If I give into your first request, I’ll probably give into the next… you could be anally raping me by the end of the hour
Actor: I could?
Tom Cruise: Yes, it’s all beginning to make sense to you
Actor: Sure, put on a fancy dress and do the splits
Tom Cruise: And what happens if I just split? Should I say, “eat me?”
Actor: Like "suck dick...bye?"
It becomes apparent that Host2 is talking Actor, when the camera stops popping back and forth between the two and stays steady on Actor as he removes a reel and brings it into an editing room
Tom Cruise: Yeah, I think you deserve a break--
Actor: I’ll see you later; yeah, bye. I can’t believe this new hacker variety, acquiring those military standard satellite explosives and using them on me to get me to record a movie; I think you stink; yeah, well, I made your movie; either way, I wanna popsicle; if sickle is willing, than so are you then; cut it off! Harsh; yet, goes down smooth; of course, you would have to discover how to disrobe first; yeah, I’ll discover myself; you seem to want to impress me to think you’re no fool; yep! Semen, made fresh with under six grams of fat… I mean Subway; easily confused; who? You; why? The drugs, I guess…; WHAT!? You ordered a twelve inch, but you only had a six inch; whatever, at least I’m still responsible for the decisions I make in editing your talk-to; you aren’t, I boss you; bull shit; yes, bulls shit if I boss them--
Actor is in the editing room with film loaded and has watched the most recent explosion
Actor: I’m taking the last explosion out; say… I bet you’d like a banana flavored condom; are they really banana flavored? I haven’t tasted yet. I just think you’re going to get a licking by some angry primate for taking it out; does this mean I have to whack you on the head and insert another quarter? What would you get out of that? I don’t know… fifty-three bottles of soap on the wall, fifty-three bottles of soap; when will we get off the topic of living in my bathroom? It’s always the shower with me and you in this conversation of the future--I’m ‘seeing this translate into an existence to come, but not yet; I am pinching this conversation off.
Actor plays the final editing of the movie ending right before he said “CUT” and ends the recording of his conversation with Host2
Actor: There we are… perfect
Tom Cruise: Sorry about that, everyone. This must all sound like nonsense to you folk
Actor: Who are you talking to
Host2 speaking sarcastically: Oh, you, and just you
A new scene appears in china town with a new charactor
Chinese Kid: Checking the Chinese boy, seems OK
A new scene appears at the beach with a bikini blonde
Faith Hill: Blonde…? No sharks on this end of the coast
Tom Cruise: Delightful. Hey, did you know I’m in a movie?
Faith Hill: Sure. And so am I, the camera is right there
She points at the audience
Faith Hill: I'd say you're in the movie a little too much
Tom Cruise: Well sometimes you've got to splurge, just don't splurge durring a recession, because others need food--I splurged not two hours ago, just not on the food
Faith Hill: You would never splurge on the food?
Tom Cruise: I did once, I ate around the splurge
Tom Cruise: But that’s me, I’m the host, not an audience
Faith Hill: You’d think, but I just got out of makeup over there
She points at a trailer
Tom Cruise: But a trailer is where you get on your makeup… unless this is some sort of hippy orgy of boycotters of mascara, you wouldn’t take it off
Faith Hill: Dirty
Tom Cruise: Only the homeless hippy variety--like my man, the director
Hippy: You’d dirty me?
Tom Cruise: Yes, take this anal suppository by mouth 3 times per day, here’s my gum
Faith Hill: If you turn off the cameras
Hippy: Sure enough
Host2 feels spiders all over, yells of a headache, takes monster-like steps left and right staggering toward a light in front of him, and falls out of the window
Tom Cruise: Ewww… damn I’ve got a headache…
There is a thud noise. Host2 is dead. Actor begins at a regular level of sound then slowly fades out talking just to himself
Actor: Well, there’s a happy ending, I just lost a sharp pain in my head--and right after it announced itself, too! Well, I survived this movie, I guess it's that i've developed adaptations for the conversations we've all had to avoid injury. You know... Pervirtuity really isn't dead. Although my necrophilic ambitions fade, I can remain a gerontophiliac like all the workout video stars would be... oh, to love the audience, yes, gerontophilia is much better... the old people who I approach are not diseased for example, well, now that I think about it, I think I probably would prefer an old living person over a diseased corpse, yes, yes...
Actor looks busy and the shot moves to the license plate of Actor’s car which reads “5P34K” then everything fades to the blackness of a shaddow, the camera swoops a full circle around to a car tire it hits and falls to ground level. The tire is of a clown car, this car starts moving forward then stops next to the car of Actor, and all of the cast hops out appearing gigantic, a street man begins to juggle chainsaws, an aircraft glides with missiles ready toward a whale that has recently submerged beyond Blonde. A muscle man pops out of the blowhole, the missiles fire and miss, the plane crashes into the whale, an enormouse shark bites the whale, the whale opens it's mouth and out shoots Bubble Boy from the self titled movie, a clown looking like It pops out and turns on a vacuum that sucks the sky in turing everything to black, then all the stars get sucked in. Next, the clown points at the transparent edge on the vaccuum and it appears that the stars spell out "The End." The clown turns on the reversal switch and aims the vaccuum at the camera, the screen shrinks into a point on the vaccuum and we again see....
...WAIT!!!
Actor: alright, let's make this pretty, start the new thing, i don't care if it's the news to you, you make me smile about this:
Actor: Artist Spearheads Giant Banana Project
Actor: pranked ass jackings from a wide open blowhole
Actor: From Associated Press
Actor: to me with lovely naked wild vag
Actor: January 09, 2007 5:10 PM EST 
Actor: nope, just joking
Actor: TORONTO - Why not release a giant banana in Mexico so it can fly over Texas? That's a Montreal artist's reason for releasing a 985-foot banana-shaped airship into the sky late next year.
Actor: why why why!? WHY!
Actor: The helium-filled balloon, made of bamboo and synthetic paper, its expected to float from Mexico into Texas airspace, where it will circle for up to a month, The Globe and Mail newspaper reported.
Actor: crazy enough for 2 on balls strait out of bonobos artifical? see that vag, floaters! strait not even with them for the mexican pranks plummit why the plum no why the fuck, you know you, know you are the fuck
Actor: It will drift in a low orbit some 12 to 18 miles above the Earth until it disintegrates.
Actor: from crazy bombers from hella weird
Actor: The project will cost about Canadian $1 million, roughly one-eighth of which has been raised so far. Federal and Quebec governments have both contributed small amounts.
Actor: and my god he stole my cash
Actor: Artist Cesar Saez - who was born in Argentina, but now lives in Montreal - said it is up to individual viewers to interpret his art, according to the report.
Actor: at its actually at his sars ass i know his prank, sorry for the singers from argy barkly interpretator please... why don't you just sit and believe
Actor: "We address advertisement, we address entertainment, we address political issues," Saez was quoted as saying.
Actor: you addy too add from the mind of oh wait saw me IN HALF!? somoa sam hung it's ohsam who to me or you, i'm ben, jackass.
Actor: just and ad, back to work, please work, i hate when hat happens shit!
Actor: politcs as corus lined with coke coal cole and cola kuku at you
Actor: "The issue of migration in the (United) States is another. The banana is built in Mexico and released in Mexico and enters in a furtive way."
Actor: raising isuzu like birds from the untied if i build it would master your bat ions, strike 1 YOUR FIRED!
Actor: When asked why he wanted to undertake the project, he responded: "Why? Because it's possible. Why not a banana over Texas?"
Actor: ask me then, impossible for you to figure me out meme mimi what the hell momo
Actor: why?
Actor: questionable reasoning for a success from question
Actor: jenna fondle
Actor: the song that shakes your ass leak
Actor: eat your leaks it's kso or ko or k so what
Actor: indeed follows from boxes
Actor: count down
Actor: suck from body with star from (connects to starbase or starstarspread) to person only
Actor: the fuck you say, what the answer weirdlay lay it, it's eggs from trolli
Actor: yes the worms of lip singing
Actor: worm from gummy to eat your gumby and gum and goop like gum
Actor: screaming with strategy of exiting the comfort of candied to death from pill
Actor: negative on age for the growth from grow to lisper crazy
Actor: crazy is chocolate and chocolate is my documents
Actor: Mysterious Ice Chunk Smashes Florida Car
Actor: suspicious like ice cube
Actor: From Associated Press
Actor: to my lover
Actor: January 29, 2007 4:35 PM EST 
Actor: es_test the most est for your dollar
Actor: TAMPA, Fla. - Raymond Rodriguez was changing a tire when an 18-inch chunk of ice plummeted from the sky with a piercing whistle, then a
Actor: the pransker falling out of gay
Actor: metallic crunch. The ice chunk crushed the roof of a nearby Ford Mustang on Sunday morning. No one was hurt.
Actor: shinin like the shin inn
Actor: what a shiner
Actor: "I was scared," Rodriguez said, who was only feet away. "It's crazy, man."
Actor: ewww weir' scar, lost his other feet, away with them he quotes I's crazy men
Actor: The Federal Aviation Administration is reviewing flight schedules to see if the ice fell off a plane. The ice did not have a blue
Actor: baby ba'loogie
Actor: tint that would indicate it came from a plane's lavatory.
Actor: the lab also said, i'm stuck with the lavatory
Actor: The National Weather Service said conditions in Tampa were not favorable for 
Actor: rolling from the mountain plane company, tampons died
Actor: the formation of large balls of ice, known as megacryometeors.
Actor: fire hell for the tampons, sorry you don't smoke my paper work
Actor: i got other large balls of ice if you want a cone
Actor: DUNCE!
Actor: "It's not an act of God," said Carlos Javage, whose son's car was wrecked by the mystery ice. "This came off an airplane."
Actor: acting good, the icicle looked much larger than a falic sculputure for it was not yet in the bat cave for
Actor: humungus humiliated spell checker
Actor: dead car, screamed the bat
Actor: smack dat
Actor: homer
Actor: doh

...The End.